With something like suprise and shock I find the new school year is here again. It can signal and evoke a range of different feelings for people, not just for school age children and universtity students, who dive into the new academic year, but also for their parents, grandparents, siblings, commuters, childminders and so on. Going to school is one of the shared common experiences we encounter with others, but of course, we all have very different individual experiences and, therefore, very different feelings and expectations.
With much trepidation I find myself about to go back to studying and, goodness me, it has roused many, many feelings - ranging from excitment to dread. This coming from someone who has worked in education and values it, seen it from all sides; as child, parent, teacher, manager, uni student and adult learner.
When I first applied to study a Level 5 Diploma in Couples and Relationship Therapy, I couldn't have been more excited, moreover, I was certain that I had found just what I had been looking for after a year, or more, wandering the wilderness - knowing I wanted to expand my knowledge, but not able to find that thing to caputure my curiosity and provide a sense of development. Then - there it was. It ticked so many boxes personally and professionally. The course starts next Monday, today is Thursday, and I am now wondering what on earth I was thinking. Plus, I am quite sure I do not have the ability to get through this course - in fact, dare I say it, I have feelings of failure that are rebooting shame and anxiety. Even as I type my chest burns and my thoat feels like it is being singed.
Academia has always had this effect on me. Well, to be honest, it's everything I do including, dusting, shopping, sport, packing a bag, work and so on. Just as a child I didn't recognise it and, hey, everyone went to school and tried their best - didn't they? The issue for me, I now realise, is that trying my best is one thing, but underneath, needing to be the best is something else - something for me that is quite damaging. It doesn't come from my ego - it's my super-ego. It's not a balanced, rational sense of doing well. It comes from shame and the sense that if I don't do this perfectly (whatever that is), I am nothing. Smaller than small and not worthy to walk the earth. Fortunately, I have worked hard and come a long way from the crippling past of perfectionism, but it hasn't left me. So, am I being realistic when I think about returning to studying on Monday? Probably not, instead it's the inner 'be perfect' demon raising its head. What I need to stay with is the vulnerability of being a human being - I make mistakes, but also I don't make mistakes and I have what I need to get me through most things. First and foremost, it not about proving anything to anyone else, it not about pleasing them or showing them that I am worthy - "look, I'm burning myself into the ground to prove it to you." No. Not helpful. These next few days are going to be like being in a rocky boat. I have to remember the boat will rock, but it will also get me to shore - just trust.
Let's find out what adventures are in store..........
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